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— My Cheating Heart —I have a boyfriend, but I'm still in love with my ex hair stylist even though I try not to think about him. He made me feel like no man ever has before, both sexually and intellectually. I feel terribly guilty because I ruined our friendship by sending him bothersome text messages during a time when I was partially (temporarily) insane. He has a young child and possibly a girlfriend (baby mamma drama at least) and I care about him so much that I'd rather suffer and miss him then pursue a friendship that would interfere with his family life. Sleeping with him was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but a part of me wishes that I never had, because maybe if I'd been able to resist then I could still have him as my stylist and feel his hands in my hair once a month, hear his voice and watch the way he glides when he walks. Juaquin Cameron is irresistible. #10264 — Comments (4) — 9/4/2011 at 3:45 AM — That's Juicy! (7) — That's Lame. (8)
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1
i was beginning to think you were Zohan's lover. until i got to the last line.9/4/11
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It's really lame that I posted this. I wish I could undo all of the impulsive things I've done that have overstepped his boundaries or seemed disrespectful. Why would I act in such a way towards someone I have profound respect and admiration for? I think I have a passive aggressively masochistic way about me. I'm so embarrassed by my behavior. I was having a lot of health problems that year and I was terrified and hysterical. I only ever wanted to be a pleasant addition to his life (in whatever capacity suited him) because being around him was such a pleasurable experience for me. I don't believe in G-d, but sometimes I pray that J-n will forgive me someday. It would be nice to talk to him. I forgive him for only offering to stay for an hour, and for never giving me a drawing like he promised. What I would do to him in bed would take more than an hour and more than one time. He's the kind of lover you practice and explore with, until you become expertly attentive to each others bodies and turn-ons. Love should never be rational, I don't have to know everything about him to justify my emotions, and I don't need him to reciprocate in order for my feelings to be real. Even if he never speaks to me again, through knowing him I was able to feel love and inspiration, of a rare and precious sort.2/5/12
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"You mean my whole fallacy is wrong?"2/8/12
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I feel better now, aside from not being able to delete all of this. I feel pretty and worthy and forgiven.4/2/12