I'm in a poly relationship that has zero chance of actually being anything more than a basic relationship. That means we act like a couple, but in the end, he already has his wife. I'm not going to be #2, not just cause it's illegal, but cause they won't integrate me into the family for fear of their loved ones turning on them... So Im in love with someone who loves me, but I'm just a secret. Right now, this is all I have, which is why I still went ahead with this relationship even though all parties made it clear it can't last long-term, only if it's on the side...
I have had failed relationships and I don't see a future for myself. I don't have anyone who is going to grow old with me, and take care if me when I'm sick, or who I can go out in public with and he can be "mine", and I can love. Either way I'm fucked.
I honestly don't see a happy ending in my future and it kills me. I don't know what I want to do for my career. I can't afford even to live on my own. All I want is someone to love me and call me his own. I don't want to end up alone. What's the point in living if it's going to be spent by myself? No one to share life with. I don't even have remotely supportive or kind parents to keep me going. I don't know how I ended up a decent person with those assholes raising me. I want to curl into a ball and die. I keep trying to think of reasons to live but it's so bloody fucking difficult.