I Need To Get This Off My Chest.

This probably won't make much sense to you all, however, I am burdened with guilt and need to get this off my chest.

I am in my late twenties and live in a flat above my moms. I am housebound as I suffer from agoraphobia (Panic attacks when leaving the house. I have been this way for 11 years.) I suffer from lots of anxiety disorders (Which is probably what this confession is about, I don't know?) including O.C.D and general anxiety disorder to name but a few.

I imagine it was caused, actually I know it was, by my upbringing, which I don't want to go into detail about now, but it wasn't pleasant at all.

My mother and I only reconciled 'properly' (We get on great but it's all surface stuff. We never talk about what happened when I was growing up.) a few years ago when I moved back to the same city. I had just gotten out of an abusive 14 year relationship.

Anyway, my mothers partner is a complete ass, mind you, that's always been her type. Because of my illnesses I am highly dependent on her. That's why I stayed so long in the abusive relationship, it was utter shit daily but I knew what to expect and if it came down to the wire, 8 times out of 10 my partner would eventually help in some way.

Back to her partner, I'm not just saying it, he is a complete phsyco. A neighbour asked me once if me and my mum were ok because he's that bad, and people can't help but notice.

During the first few months she met him I found it beyond creepy. It was like she was trying to force a reenactment of the me, her, and stepdad relationship I had as a child. I could see what she was doing and was having professional help at the time and explained it to them. This time though I wasn't a child and confronted my mum about the behavior.

He is a super control freak and is very volatile. Finally last month I snapped and actually spoke back to him about his behavior. Being the calm responsible adult (52 years old) he is obviously he exploded and we had a massive row. He was so aggressive I still couldn't get my point across to him, I still had to sit back and listen because I was scared he was going to hit me. He might be older but he's 6'3" and of a muscular build.

It stressed me out so much I kept having really bad panic attacks. He wouldn't let it drop and would be a nasty bastard to me when my mum couldn't hear and fain innocence when she could. It upset me for a long time.

Anyway, like I said I live above their flat, it's a house converted into three flats, two upstairs. We have the same landlord. My neighbour was a noisy drug taking ignorant shit that thankfully left last month. I don't think he's told the landlord.

That's the background to my confession, the real thing is coming up. I think I will post this first as it's a little long and I don't want to keep typing to be told it's too long to post!
Cont....

Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 20, 2008 at 7:04 PM

Sorry, I'm too scarred to post what he did. He did something bad and I tried to make him put it right. He kind of did but not how it should have been so I don't really feel like it's over. HE did something wrong but for some reason my mind has picked up on it and I've had panic attack over panic attack. I don't know why I feel responsible, I didn't do anything but my mind won't let it rest. I feel scarred of repercusions. Again, I don't know why, I didn't do anything. It's driving me nuts.
Help?! Any advise?

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 20, 2008 at 8:20 PM

Shoot him. You're obviously crazy so you won't go to prison. Don't worry. God will forgive you.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 20, 2008 at 8:26 PM

I really would like to help you, I'm a psychology major at college so I know some of the disorders you mentioned OCD agorophobia etc . . .

Right now I can only guess at what your afraid of, you suffer from severe anxiety problems so I can't narrow it down.

I've called this number a few times myself, after being attacked by several police officers 2 years ago I started having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, some of these people might be able to help you

1 800 273 8255

I really hope someone there can help you :)

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 20, 2008 at 8:46 PM

To the first poster - thanks! *lol*

To the second, thank you. :) I appreciate your help very much. I'm sorry to hear of what happened to you. :(
I got scared posting what he did as I didn't want to get in trouble. However, just writing what I did has made me feel a lot better. I will probably post the full version tomorrow. (I typed it out and copied it to a document as I was too scarred to post.) Basically, he stole from the other flat. That terrifies me to write it! He stole, and I begged him to get it back. He did after about a week, but in his temper he probably broke it. I don't know why I feel so responsible.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 20, 2008 at 8:47 PM

Crap, I'm panicing because I wrote that now. :(

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 20, 2008 at 9:55 PM

Oh buck up you prancing nancy boy! We all know what your "problem" growing up really was! Let a woman make a man out of you.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 21, 2008 at 6:45 AM

I'm a woman.???? And no, it was everything but molestation.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Sep 21, 2008 at 8:12 AM

To original poster from the second poster

Don't panic so much, are you afraid he might see this? I guess I would be too.

I spent years being afraid of my fathers wife, and like you said it was anything/everything but molestation, psycho bitch never touched me but holy shit did she ever hurt me!

I think if you try writting down some of the reasons your afraid, or think you might be afraid, it could help you, that was how I worked through alot of what the mean drunk bitch did to me.

If your afraid he might find something you wrote shred it up when you done.

Let me know how your getting along and take care :)

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