When I was around 13 I discovered these novels that my mom had, they were raunchy, real raunchy, especially for me. They described sex in detail, and I ate them up. I pretended I was the girl in the barn, or the girl on the train, or the girl alone in the house, and he would come and get me and I would get fucked. I masturbated to those novels, re-reading whole sections, pinching my nipples and rubbing myself silly. I can't list all the things I stuck in myself, all kinds of things.

13 became 14 and 14 became 15 and I read those novels every night, I didn't care if they were repeats, I new the parts I wanted to read. One day my mom got this new novel, and I snuck it upstairs, and it had this passage of this girl on a trip that got r**** by this servant in this house. I read that passage so many times that I left the book marked up, the pages where I held them, while I read over and over again of how he r**** her. How she tried to get away, how he trapped her and held her down, how he tore off her pants and how he penetrated her flesh with his dick, which she described as a monster that tore her open. This scene, where she is still on the floor looking up at him, with his dick staring down at her and his cum dripping on the floor.

I tore myself open with this large hair brush, I tore my vagina wall and I bled on the sheets. I got infected, because I didn't take care of it, and I ended up having to explain to my mother how I had cut myself there. After the doctor and the antibiotics and everything, my mother bought me a real dildo, she took me to this store called 'Luv', and she helped me pick out a dildo, she told me to get one that was bigger than I though, because once I started using it, I was going to want it to feel big, but to remember that when a guy actually does it, his dick was smaller, and she showed me a dildo which she said was realistic in size to a man's dick.

We shared the novels after that, and I could tell the parts that she liked because of the way the pages opened to them, something I had not paid attention to before. She ordered the novels on line, and after she had gotten her fill with them, she would give them to me, she noticed that I liked r*** fantasies, and I got lots of r*** novels to read. She was right, when you are using a dildo, bigger is what you want, the one she bought me was long, like 12 inches so I could hold it and do myself, and thick and dark purple with large veins on it.

I was 17 when I got my first real experience, it was after prom and we went to this party, and this guy fucked me. He was from another school, I didn't know him, he fucked me behind the couch, he fucked me with my prom dress on pulling off my panties and staining the skirt. My first time was a real fuck job. No kissing, no how do you do, no introductions, just a fucking behind the couch. Not up to my fantasies, but close enough for a first fuck. The thing is, I was used to my dildo, and really when I saw his dick, and it was fully erect and everything, I almost laughed at him, and when he stuck it in me, I felt like I had been fucked a thousand times, I did not have that first time experience. The only first time part, was when he shot his stuff and it dripped out of my pussy on to my dress.

My sexual being is most satisfied by my novels, and my dildos (I have a selection now) and my fantasies. A guy fucking me just doesn't have the same feeling, I let the guy fuck me because it makes him feel good, but frankly I masturbate afterwards in order to get off. I still fantasize about the day I am just taken down by some low life dude and properly r****, I mean it, I fantasize all the time about being r****, in an elevator or a parking garage, and left on the garage floor while he shakes his dick at me. It is a fantasy, and I masturbate to it, maybe the real thing will not live up to my dreams.

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