I'm 35 years old, and I am completely independent from my parents. My mother is a manipulative crazy bitch. My step-father loves her very much, and is a very rational person, who somehow is unable to do anything but allow/enable her to be what she is. The two of them together are a force to be reckoned with:
Constant negativity, forcing advice on you that you don't need, bitching about how you don't respect them enough if you ever criticize them, behaving like little brats who don't get their way if you decide not to do what they want, constantly reminding you of what they have done for you and how you owe them whatever, Always having to point out at the worst possible time your past mistakes, as if they are currently pertinent, etc. etc. etc.

My confession is that I don't love them in the way that most people mean when they say they love their parents. I honor my obligations to them, and I try very hard to do for them the kinds of things that make them feel loved (within reason) but I don't consider them friends, or even worthy of my affection. I still kiss my mom and hug my step-dad (he adopted me legally when I was 13, and they both use that as a club to beat me with whenever he feels disrespected), but I don't share my life with them unless I absolutely have to, and only when I have come to a place where any bullshit they put on it won't phase me. I have had to learn how not to get pissed at them for being douchebags, because they will never change and I am stuck with them.

In all honesty, I feel like I will be able to love them better when they finally die. Sometimes I secretly wish it would happen sooner rather than later. My son will be born in less than 3 weeks, and I am terrified of the bullshit they are going to put on him. This only makes me want to see them go to their eternal rest sooner, so that he will remember them fondly as grandparents who died when he was still young, rather than vicious destroyers of all things optimistic.

Having said all of this, I know I will be sad when they go, and that I will miss them terribly, but I am also happy to know that I'll never have to listen to my mother and father complain about everything, or pick out the tiniest negative point and harp on it for the duration of my visit with them.

I reside in this dichotomy. I want to have a better relationship with them, but my every attempt at meeting them halfway has resulted in me being manipulated/controlled or them crying and trying to manipulate me with how much I've hurt them. It feels good to be able to put words to these thoughts.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 10, 2009 at 7:53 PM

oh my god I have a father and step mother exactly like that my dad was always telling me how much his wife likes me and every birthday of hers he would call me and say dont forget to call her and wish her a happy birthday..like he knows that if she was a likable person he wouldnt have to remind me to call her, my father would always after 2 weeks from not hearing from me say boy dont you call anybody I never hear from you I would say i am very busy sometimes and if you have not seen me in so long are you going to use the time with me now to complain about me not calling you or is your phone broke too, man he hated that because then his guilt injection is not working on to the next plan. then he would say your step mother is always asking about you...RIGHT she hated me and when we would have a discussion whenever she thought I wasn't kissing there ass she would bring up stuff from 5 years prior when I used to drink I dont drink anymore, its all about them you call me you see me I am suprised that when I would visit them they didnt say glad you got the chance to see me, they alienated my brother and his family 13 years ago my father has never even seen his grandchildren and finally last year I had to cut that cancer loose and I did it the day before my dads 65th birthday and on his birthday evening I got an email from his wife totally blasting me for not calling him on his birthday and if I want to see him again I can do so but only me not my wife.. gee thanks and she then said she liked me in her own special way wich means I cant stand you and I never have I want your father but nothing to do with his life before me and it has been 4 years now that I have not talked to them and I have made peace with them in my mind and if they die today I WILL ALWAYS remember them but due to their actions while they were alive I will not miss them. man I could go on and on about there stories it is actually comical now but if they make you miserable cut them loose you dont need that in your life you have your own family to think of now and they will only poison it and continue a cycle that needs to be broke good luck and let me know how it works out.

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