Ok I'm going to go ahead and do this because it's not like anything can happen out of it.
I was sexually abused by my father when I was 12-13.
I'm 18 now, and recently stopped denying it.
My boyfriend knows, and he is trying to get me to go to counseling but I refuse because I don't want my family to know because it would destroy them. Firstly, his parents will blame themselves for raising a monster and second, my mother will blame herself for marrying him in the first place, and then divorcing him.
I am pretty certain my father has repressed any memories of it ever happening. Yes, I still see him (my parents are divorced) because as far as he and others are concerned, there is no reason not to.
He still hugs me, and I have to force myself not to shudder every time he touches me.
I work for him, and the other day a man came into the shop and my dad says to me quietly, "I'm pretty sure this guy is a total pedophile."
See what I mean about the repression?
Lucky for him, he seems to have forgotten about it, or buried it so deep he never has to think about it.
But me, I'm stuck reliving it almost every day.
My memory from around the age it happened is very foggy. I have changed a lot since and I try to think of my life as "before" and "after" but it is very hard to remember.
I have since found myself attracted to older men, not necessarily in a sexual way, but more of a "please look after me and don't hurt me way"
Whether I tell my secret to more people in future, I don't know, but one thing I do know it that there is no way in hell my father will have anything to do with my children, or be at my wedding to walk me down the aisle.
He gave up that privilege when he decided that it was ok do those things to a girl who hadn't even really hit puberty yet, because he had no-one else to do it to.
People like this don't deserve to have children.

Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jul 18, 2009 at 8:49 PM

Fuck your family, fuck how it will cause "tension". Get this asshole to the cops so he can serve his time!

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jul 18, 2009 at 9:09 PM

I will do something about it in the future...I don't know how long it will take though.
But thank you for your reply!

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 3, 2009 at 6:01 PM

I had one of those. I never considered it abuse at the time because I thought all dads did stuff like that. I even rationalized that I was a "technical virgin" until I was 19. And when I finally got myself straight and confronted him, he didn't deny it but he denied that it was wrong! I grew up thinking that the best way to get a guy had the right to stick it in me whenever he wanted, so I got more than one STD and had no chance of a lasting relationship and he says he didn't do anything wrong! The therapist had to call help to pull my hands from dad's throat.
He has problems. He needs help. He won't get help until the problems are exposed. And you were just the convenient target - did he have others? Most child molesters have twenty or more kids for every one they get arrested for. How will this end unless you talk?

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 7, 2009 at 2:07 AM

Thanks for your reply, it's very sad to hear that it happened to you too.
I know I'm being ridiculous by not telling anyone, but I am so so scared of confronting him (I truly believe he has completely repressed it)
Despite the abuse, I grew up reasonably normally but I am very prudish when it comes to sex - I basically feel like my boyfriend is taking advantage of me when we sleep together because I can't associate sex with feelings of love, meaning I feel that my boyfriend only wants to have sex with me because of the physical need and it's nothing to do with how much he loves me (which is totally untrue, I know he is very much in love with me) This makes him feel bad, and I'm almost in tears every time we have sex but I make sure he doesn't see.
I was never raped, so I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way, but I guess it's just a general reaction to being taken advantage of.
I pretty much know for a fact that I was the only one. Don't ask me how, but I just really think I was. He always took a special interest in me even before the abuse started.
Because I don't think he did it to anyone else, I don't want him to get help because frankly I don't care. He has become a different person now and I know he won't do it again to me, or anyone else.
Please tell me, how huge of a deal was it when you confronted him? Did your mother find out? I'm just so scared everyone will know and it will change their opinions of me and nothing will ever be the same.

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 9, 2009 at 8:15 AM

When you bring everything in the open, you find out who your friends really are, even in your family. You discover who will stand up with you and who will abandon you. It hurts, but in the end things will be better.

I still feel angry at my dad for making me this way. I have trouble keeping a real relationship going because I get mixed up about love and getting laid (a LOT of guys have taken advantage of that). And that mix-up was because of what my dad would do to me when I was a kid. He still says it was good for me. My Mom lives in denial. She screamed and cried at first, but now she pretends it never happened. She has an amazing ability to ignore reality.

I guess I never had the sexual dysfunction thing like you because my dad always tried to give me orgasms. I still have a LOT of trouble confusing love and sex, although in my case I go the other way, putting out too much.

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 15, 2009 at 4:00 PM

Yeah go ahead and NEVER say anything and just wait till one day you have a daughter. Then he does the same to your daughter. Like the thought of that? How does that make you feel knowing your future daughter is going to be touched and abused by your dad. Nice huh? That makes you JUST as sick by NOT saying anything. If not for YOU then protect OTHER girls out there from him.

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 24, 2009 at 2:21 AM

Like I said, I am confident he has never done it to anyone else.
He always took a special interest in me out of my siblings, I was always the favourite. As far as I know he never knew or doesn't know any other little or even teenage girls.
Be assured that he will NEVER be around my children, let alone be there on my wedding day. The story will come out before then, I promised myself.
I appreciate your reply but I want to know, has anything like this ever happened to you? Because you seem so impassioned about it and are so quick to call me sick for not telling...if you have never experienced anything like this then you surely can't understand the absolute terror I feel even when thinking about telling someone like my mother, or even a therapist.

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 24, 2009 at 2:26 AM

That is disgusting that he says it was good for you.
Is he in jail? I hope so.
I am afraid of what will happen when I tell. Who will believe me, who will be too awkward to talk to me, what he will think and say (I honestly think he has completely repressed it), he could say it never happened...
Also, I don't think I could stand getting sympathy for it.
It's my problem, and I've dealt with it in my own ways and I don't feel anyone else should have to deal with it or think about it too.
I really hope your mum comes round, that must hurt so much, having her completely deny something so horrible happening to her child.
That's interesting about your sex drive being the opposite, I'm trying to figure out which one is worse haha but I guess they are both as bad.

(0)  (0)

Comment this

Can't read the image? Click here to refresh