I was sexually abused by my father when I was 12-13.
I'm 18 now, and recently stopped denying it.
My boyfriend knows, and he is trying to get me to go to counseling but I refuse because I don't want my family to know because it would destroy them. Firstly, his parents will blame themselves for raising a monster and second, my mother will blame herself for marrying him in the first place, and then divorcing him.
I am pretty certain my father has repressed any memories of it ever happening. Yes, I still see him (my parents are divorced) because as far as he and others are concerned, there is no reason not to.
He still hugs me, and I have to force myself not to shudder every time he touches me.
I work for him, and the other day a man came into the shop and my dad says to me quietly, "I'm pretty sure this guy is a total pedophile."
See what I mean about the repression?
Lucky for him, he seems to have forgotten about it, or buried it so deep he never has to think about it.
But me, I'm stuck reliving it almost every day.
My memory from around the age it happened is very foggy. I have changed a lot since and I try to think of my life as "before" and "after" but it is very hard to remember.
I have since found myself attracted to older men, not necessarily in a sexual way, but more of a "please look after me and don't hurt me way"
Whether I tell my secret to more people in future, I don't know, but one thing I do know it that there is no way in hell my father will have anything to do with my children, or be at my wedding to walk me down the aisle.
He gave up that privilege when he decided that it was ok do those things to a girl who hadn't even really hit puberty yet, because he had no-one else to do it to.
People like this don't deserve to have children.