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  • — Dreams and Wishes —
    Lesbian Female / 25

    I think what I am going to write down is a summary of my confused path. I am now 25 and I have an eighteen month old child. I am unmarried, but I am supported and kept by my son's father. So I can't say I am a single mother. I don't work, I live in a big house and I have a nice car to drive and I have a full time maid and housekeeper. I have too much money in my spending account. I sleep in a big bed and I am hugged and kissed and spoiled by my son's father. I don't deserve any of this.

    I grew up in California. I did drugs as most kids did. I got good grades anyway and I was accepted to the University of San Francisco with a scholarship and student aid. I did not take college seriously and I graduated with a degree in graphics arts with mediocre grades. In college I experimented with a girl, we had an eighteen month relationship, and during that relationship I came out as a lesbian. She and I broke up, it was very painful for me as she was the first person I ever had a sexual and emotional relationship with. I am still in love with her.

    After college I got together with a woman I had met at political rally. It was a very bad and controlling relationship, since she was the wage earner and I was basically unemployed. That is why I left California and moved to Texas to spend some time with my older cousin. She found me this place to stay with my son's father, at the time he was told of my lesbian being, but not the whole sorry story of my breakup or of that woman that I lived with for eighteen months. I had just turned 23.

    Mixed signals and what not I ended up getting pregnant by this man, my son's father. He dismissed my lesbian feelings completely, he put me in his bedroom and pretty much decided that I was going to be his house wife/partner. I told him many times that I was a lesbian but he insists that I am unable to make that determination and that I am better off being his housewife/partner than a sorry excuse for a lesbian.

    Like I said above, I am in his bed every night and he makes sure that I understand that I am with a man and a man wants to have me be a woman with him. I am very confused. He knows that to break me down all he has to do is hold me against him so that I can't move and use his strength to dominate me physically and he can overcome me until I am all ready for him and he enjoys having sex with me. When he releases me I always have this need to go to the bathroom and wash my face and clean up. But after a half hour or so I can go and get in bed beside him and let him cuddle me and I go to sleep. Let me say, that this is not every night, most nights he just cuddles me to sleep, it is when he has sex that he holds me like that.

    Going back to today. I don't know how to be a housewife. I think maybe what I should do is just go ahead and have another child. That is what housewives do. He has asked me to marry him. So far I have told him that is a bad idea. If I get married I will definitely go with a second child. I don't even know if what he says is true, that I am not able to make a determination that I am a lesbian and that my feelings for my college girlfriend are really puppy love left overs and that now I am living my real life. Housewife and mother.

    The day I graduated from college I never expected to have children, I never expected to live as a house partner with a man, I never expected to live in the middle of the most conservative people on earth, I never expected to live in a home like the one I have or have a full time housekeeper or be a full time mom. I was one hundred percent convinced that I was a lesbian, I was still madly in love with my girlfriend, I was broke and with out a job.

    Right this minute I want him to hold me and cuddle me and tell me again why he loves me, because I really like him telling me that he loves me, especially when I am hurting so much like right now.

    #39221 — Comments (1) — Feb 9, 2018 at 8:28 AM — That's Juicy! (1) Remove This.
  • 1
    Jesus. Don't get married and have more kids just because of someone else's expectations. You'll grow bitter and resentful. And don't drag more innocent children into that environment.

    The only way your current relationship could work is if you get an understanding and agreement with your man that you need to also have an open relationship with a woman, who will satisfy that important part of you. If he balks, then end things.

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