I'm 29, Straight male.
For sometime now, I'm attracted to a 9 year old girl. I don't know what to do.
She lost her older brother in an accident before she was born, and maybe that is a reason, she is very attached to me.
Her father and my father are friends.
I meet her about twice a week. During dinner, she always asks me to go outside the apartment with her, and we sit on the stairs having food, where she is sharing stories and telling me secrets when we are alone.
There are other kids nearby, but when no elders are around, she hugs me and asks me to carry her.
I am supposed to see her as a kid (well she is a kid) or at best a sister who is longing for a brother.
I am getting married in a couple of weeks to someone I'm not even attracted to. I seriously feel like a mad man.
I hate my life. I hate feeling this way. I should be feeling attracted to the girl I'm about to marry and not a 9 year old girl.
I don't think I can live like this. Death is got to be better than living a screwed up life, right?
I can never do anything wrong to a kid. Two weeks back, she was asking me the meaning to the word ''Fuck"'
I asked her, do you know how babies are made? She said ''No''
I was very tempted to tell her the meaning and maybe kissing her. (It was like evil talking in my ear)
But, I somehow held back and told her, ''I can't tell you. You'll learn about it when you grow up''
I hate my self. I hate my life. I hate feeling this way. I'm trying to choose between living or dying. I will not be and can never be the one who took away the innocence of a child. I know there are many people who say they hate kids. But I love children. I care for them very much. I believe in guiding them in the right way, because they are literally our future. But this the only girl with whom I feel this way.
You may think I'm not strong. But I am. But this feeling haunts me everyday. Living has become a daily battle.
Guys.. Please comment.. I need help.. Please tell me what to do or what you feel..
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