Need Help..

I'm 29, Straight male.

For sometime now, I'm attracted to a 9 year old girl. I don't know what to do.

She lost her older brother in an accident before she was born, and maybe that is a reason, she is very attached to me.
Her father and my father are friends.

I meet her about twice a week. During dinner, she always asks me to go outside the apartment with her, and we sit on the stairs having food, where she is sharing stories and telling me secrets when we are alone.

There are other kids nearby, but when no elders are around, she hugs me and asks me to carry her.


I am supposed to see her as a kid (well she is a kid) or at best a sister who is longing for a brother.
I am getting married in a couple of weeks to someone I'm not even attracted to. I seriously feel like a mad man.

I hate my life. I hate feeling this way. I should be feeling attracted to the girl I'm about to marry and not a 9 year old girl.
I don't think I can live like this. Death is got to be better than living a screwed up life, right?

I can never do anything wrong to a kid. Two weeks back, she was asking me the meaning to the word ''Fuck"'
I asked her, do you know how babies are made? She said ''No''
I was very tempted to tell her the meaning and maybe kissing her. (It was like evil talking in my ear)
But, I somehow held back and told her, ''I can't tell you. You'll learn about it when you grow up''

I hate my self. I hate my life. I hate feeling this way. I'm trying to choose between living or dying. I will not be and can never be the one who took away the innocence of a child. I know there are many people who say they hate kids. But I love children. I care for them very much. I believe in guiding them in the right way, because they are literally our future. But this the only girl with whom I feel this way.

You may think I'm not strong. But I am. But this feeling haunts me everyday. Living has become a daily battle.


Guys.. Please comment.. I need help.. Please tell me what to do or what you feel..

Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 29, 2018 at 3:55 PM

Truth? You ready?

The child. I think your innerself is attracted to her AS A FATHER, OR PROTECTOR. First off, if you feel unstable then stay away from the child, you will harm her for life. If however you seriously feel you can deal with the situation THEN look at her as a daughter if there is no other way. Whatever you do DO NOT bring ANY form of sex in to her life. You will kill her spirit doing so at that age. She is innocent.

Second. I hope your ready for this.

In my life I literally died two times, for very short periods of time, both after me being the sole survivor after deadly car accidents. About death. ONE, It is not the answer. Change your ambient. Either way I know this may sound out of text or whatever but I have experienced it and death isn't so bad after all, you feel nothing and the moment you leave your body, there is TOTAL harmony. This is a pure truth HOWEVER, Honestly I just think you need time alone and to look at your ambient. Everything and reflect. YOU control your life, it is YOU that must create and build YOUR world.

Another fact. NO ONE really cares. This is hard to accept but it is a FACT. You HAVE to CREATE YOUR WORLD alone.

You are young. I am three times your age. I have passed what you haven't yet but will.
BE STRONG. Be truthful with YOURSELF, Fuck everyone else this life is about YOU.

iF YOU DIE BE WARNED, THERE is NO HEAVENS, GODS OR ANGELS OR DEVIL OR HELL. It is a void space. you exist like a single cell molicule, this is IT. Dont think on the other side of life death is null or better, doesn't work like that. Trust me, you are not ready to die. It's not all physical my friend.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 30, 2018 at 9:51 PM

Thanks a lot..

I needed help and I suppose the truth does set you free..

Thanks a lot again.. Your experience and knowledge has helped and will help me to be truthful. I will most probably look back on this time as a hurdle which helped me become better and stronger in life.

Thank you very much for sharing..

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