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  • — Out of the Closet —
    Bi-Sexual Male / 27

    I chose "Bi-Sexual Male" because it was the closest option to the truth. I've been suffering from extreme depression, existential crisis, dysphoria, just overall feeling horrible and desperately seeking an end to it, and while I feel like I want to finally just be myself and stop trying to be the person that other people want or expect me to be, I can't override my psychological fear of finally doing it.

    I am genderfluid and pansexual. Sometimes I feel male, or at least don't feel female, but other times I feel very female, and it bothers me because while I've told some people, or hinted it to them, their resistance to the idea has scared me back into keeping it a secret. I am attracted to both men and women, preferably fat people, I love big asses, hips, thick legs, bellies, big titties. I am fat myself and believe I have gynecomastia, because my breasts are very feminine, arguably the most feminine natural breasts I've ever seen on a biological male. I also think I have low testosterone, but this is being said without a clinical diagnosis, these are just theories I've considered.

    I guess I've always been this way, but didn't understand it at first until gender identity and sexual preference became a more talked about topic. At first I just thought I was either bi, or gay in denial, but I know I am attracted to women, so I settled on bi, but I was terrified to admit it to anyone because I felt confident they'd see me as a freak and not like me anymore.

    Over the years, I've taken photographs of myself in women's clothing, or nude, and experimented with men, and dildos. I really enjoy giving blowjobs more than anything, even more than getting them, more than vaginal sex, and more than giving or receiving anal. I'm not even sure what about it I like so much, I just feel so appreciated and attractive while sucking a man's cock and hearing him moan and compliment how well I am pleasing him. I always swallow when they let me, as I love feeling them cum in my mouth and love swallowing their cum.

    I've strongly considered painting my nails regularly, shaving my whole body and wearing more feminine clothes, but I am under so much pressure not to do it that it's crippling me. I am horribly depressed and contemplate suicide every so often. I work at a job I hate that expects me to work myself go death for less than 10 bucks an hour. I have foot and ankle injuries that I can't heal because I never get enough time off my feet and can't take a vacation or I wont be able to pay the bills.

    Because I am so unhappy, one of the only things that makes me feel good is when I am feeling feminine, when I am naked, when I take a shower, when I look at my own tits, when I touch myself. I masturbate imagining having sex with a man who treats me like a real woman, or imagine myself receiving a blowjob from someone who is actually attracted to me and enjoys making me feel good.

    I am married, to a women, and our sex life has died down over the last 8 years (we've been together almost 11), she used to suck my dick all the time, willingly (I thought), but one day she just decided she didn't like it anymore and told me she only ever did it to make me happy, so apparently, I don't deserve such a luxury anymore. I've struggled with that too, because not having a regular sex life with my wife fueled my depression and self-hatred because I assumed it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough for her anymore, that I was unattractive and gross. Losing the feeling that I was worthy of intimacy really fucked me up. I found myself craving the feeling of being loved regularly.

    I have worked the entire time we've been married and I give her literally all of my money to pay the bills and do whatever she wants with it. I do whatever she tells/asks me to do. I've always spoiled her as much as I could, because I thought that was the right thing to do, but now that it's too late, I see that I fucked up. Because I didn't make her earn anything, from my love, to my time, to my money, she doesn't appreciate any of it and just expects to have it all without giving anything in return. She's never had a real job as long as we've been together.

    I used to literally be addicted to her, because I was so lonely and depressed before I met her, I thought she was the answer to all of my problems, I was unhealthily infatuated with her, and at first she was also infatuated with me, but her infatuation wore off, and mine stayed for years longer, so me wanting her so badly made her denying me so painful emotionally.

    Eventually, I focused on other things in an attempt to try to overcome my sadness, and practiced not even being sexually attracted to her, I am still attracted to her, I just started to not expect sex ever again, because every time I'd ask her, she'd either straight up reject me or agree out of frustration and make it seem like a chore. But then, once I stopped showing interest in her, eventually she expressed to me that I don't touch her anymore and acted sad about it. How can she expect me to want to be intimate with her when she makes me feel disgusting?

    I' m writing this all out of chronological order, sorry. Before I even met her, I was already fasting to try to lose weight because I hated myself and thought if I could starve myself skinny enough maybe someone might give me a chance. She fell in love with me while I was 260lbs and made me feel like the most attractive man on the planet. It was literally a dream come true, until it ended.

    I still consider fasting again to lose weight, because I hate myself so much sometimes, I think if I lose weight she'll either be attracted to me again or at least someone else will be and she'll show me affection out of jealousy because she feels threatened by other people being interested in me. It's sad I even have to think about trying to make her jealous just so she'll appreciate me.

    Anyway... I don't need to tell you my whole life story.

    TL;DR I am a biologically male, genderfluid, pansexual who is married to a woman who isn't too attracted to me anymore, I fantasize about being a sissy slut for men who will actually appreciate me, I am living a lie by still presenting myself as a straight male to most people, I want to just relax and be myself, but the crippling fear of losing everyone in my life and being criticized and harassed by others keeps me from doing it.

    #40277 — Comments (2) — May 22, 2018 at 12:40 PM — That's Juicy! (1) Remove This.
  • 1
    It's not easy to find a good clinical social worker who can work with you on you issues but they do exist and are worthwhile pursuing. I would strongly suggest that you look for one. Avoid psychiatrists. You do not need drugs for your healing, just knowledge that you obviously do not have at this juncture in your life.
    5/22/18
  • 2
    Not sure if some people take the time to check out the comments after they made a confession. In case you do, just know that we have a lot in common. I could relate with so much of what you said.
    6/6/18




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