I hate my life so much right now. I don't know where I should begin. First, I'm pregnant. Most people wouldn't think that's a bad thing, but I have bipolar and my doctors won't put me back on all my medication, which puts me at a high risk for depression and manic episodes. Plus, my bf lives 150 miles away from me, and we see each other as much as possible, but he really pissed me off this week when he decided to ditch visiting me to go see his jerk off best friend that treats him like dirt so they could party. I'm stuck here at home, tired and depressed all the time and he's out partying. I only wish I could begin to live my life again like he is. I don't even want this baby, but no one in my family believes in abortion and my bf made it clear that if I tried to get one, he would take me to court and use my mental illness against me to prevent me from getting one, convince the judge to make me carry this child to term, and then take full custody of it. Plus, I found out recently that most of the classes I've taken at the local college won't transfer to the university I was hoping to go to, so I have to retake some of the classes I've already taken, which will take me another year and a half. I just really hate my life right now and wish that my bf would die and that I would die, so badly do I wish that. I have no one to talk to and feel very isolated. I'm too embarassed to really talk to anyone about it because once people hear I have bipolar they act weird around me. If you are reading this, thank you for taking a moment to care and for whoever created this site, thank you because I really needed to get all this off my chest. God bless you.

Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jan 23, 2004 at 5:11 AM

Sorry to say this so bluntly but, "screw your family." This is about YOU, not them, and if they don't care about your feelings then you should not be thinking about theirs. As for getting the procedure and possibly going to court; you mentioned college so I assume your 18 or over; just call your family dr or the local womans center; find an abortion clinic and get it done. I recently took a friend for the procedure and it took about 40 minutes from the time we walked in to the time we walked out. Secret is get it done before you are too far along because then it gets more and more difficult. Also I must ad... Screw your BF too!! Poor choice of words; what I mean is: stop screwing the guy and move on. Sounds like he will be a life of missery if your already thinking about him like you wrote. Having a child with someone tends to be many many yrs of having to deal with that person. I don't know what state your in but here in Florida we're a "joint custody" state and that means 18 yrs of dealing with the X, not to mention any new female who might down the line enter his life and possible become your kids step mom.

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jan 23, 2004 at 7:25 AM

see a therapist. now. tell them what you just wrote and MAKE SURE THEY HELP YOU! Don't leave until they do. you're clearly at risk and so is the baby. and forget what the bf threatens, if you want an abortion just go do it. particularly since he lives far away he won't know till it's too late. But first, GO GET HELP!

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jan 23, 2004 at 3:07 PM

I too have BP disorder and had bad depressive episodes through each of my 3 pregnancies. Each time I insisted that I really didn't want the baby and my life was being ruined. As soon as the baby was delivered and I started taking my meds again, my feelings totally changed. I have 3 great kids now and am really happy that my husband didn't listen to my demands for an abortion.

My doctor said that my feelings were not unusual for a woman with BP disorder and all the women who do have abortions end up having worse depressive episodes later because they feel intense guilt and regret.

Don't let this "down" phase in your cycle ruin your life. As your doctor about using SAM-e as a natural mood stabilizer during your pregancy.

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jan 23, 2004 at 8:12 PM

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in feeling so awful during this pregnancy and that other women with BP suffer the same awful feelings. I'm just glad I'm living at home with my family because my mom and I have talked about how I've been feeling and she says that I really aren't myself right now without my meds, which I have to admit I agree with her, and she is being really good to me and helping me out with everything. I don't necessarily think my boyfriend is a bad person, I think my not being stable on meds has made me turn him into a bad guy. I know he really loves me, and like me, I'm sure he's scared witless right now with all the changes going on with me. When I don't feel depressed and I have my moments of clarity, I do want this baby. It is just so hard to deal with being off my pills. Thank you to everyone who has responded to my confession and been really supportive of me. I plan on calling my doctor tomorrow morning and asking if there is some way I can go back on any of my pills. But once again, thank you all and God bless. ~~Pregnant with Bipolar

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jan 23, 2004 at 8:45 PM

Hang in there girl!!! Life really is good!!!!

(0)  (0)
Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jan 24, 2004 at 9:57 AM

My SIL was allowed to take something for her BP disorder when she was pregnant. I can't remember what, but the doctor said that the tetragenic effects (birth defect chances) were really low after the first trimester. You sound like you are past the first trimester. Talk to your doctor and check out some of the online forums and BB for people with BPD. Lots of women there have been through pregnancies and can help you.

(0)  (0)

Comment this

Can't read the image? Click here to refresh