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  • — Women Only —
    Posted by Anonymous

    Last summer when I was lifeguarding, I got pregnant after an unprotected one night stand with a guy who also worked there. He had a steady girlfriend, but no other real ties to anything --he even lived in a van!-- so there didn't seem to be any chance he'd want to help raise a kid with a girl he didn't even know all that well. So I went to my mom and told her everything and she suggested that I have an abortion. She made all the arrangements, drove me to the doctor, and paid for it. It all happened very quickly because I was already 2 and 1/2 months and my mom didn't want to have to get our doctor do it. (Where we live you can only get an abortion done at the clinic during the first trimester).

    I guess I was happy that she was taking care of things so I didn't have to think about the abortion too much. My mom and I didn't really talk about it at the time. I spent a couple days sleeping and a week later, it was time for me to return to college. I didn't come home for Thanksgiving because I was volunteering in Mexico and at Christmas, I visited my dad and step mom.

    But ever since I got home in May, I've wanted to talk to my mom about it, but she always blows me off when I bring it up. She says things like "Why bring up the past?" and "It's unhealthy to dwell on things like that."

    A couple weeks ago, I read that women in Japan have these little figurines that they plant in their gardens after they have an abortion. So I took some Sculpy clay and made a little figurine. When I was letting it cool on the table after baking it, my mom saw it and asked what it was. I told her. She got all red in the face and said she hoped I was going to keep it in our garden. I said that I hoped to. She said that it was macabre and would just confuse my little sister. So I bought one of those little tabletop Zen gardens for my room and put the figurine in there. Two days ago, it disappeared. I'm pretty sure my mom took it! My sister was spending the weekend at our dad's so it wasn't her. And now I'm really confused and pissed!

    Why is she acting this way? She's the one suggested I have the abortion so she must have thought it was a good thing. So why doesn't she want to talk about it?

    #8741 — Comments (9) — Jan 25, 2004 at 4:12 PM — That's Juicy! (0) Remove It.
  • 1
    Your mom's reaction doesn't surprise me.

    A while back, I was visiting my mother and I mentioned that my 7 year old son needed to have his tonsils and adenoids out. She said something about how brave I was when I had mine out. I said "Ma, I never had my tonsils out." She said of course I did when I was 16. I started laughing uncontrollably. When I was 16 I had an abortion and the excuse my mother gave the school for my being out a week was that I had to get my tonsils out. Twenty years later she actually believes that I had a tonsilectomy and not an abortion!

    It sounds like your mother is worried that you regret your abortion and want to blame her. Do you?
    1/26/04
  • 2
    Think this over for a minute:

    What is your mom's opinion of abortion? Is she pro-choice or anti-choice?

    She may have gone against her own convictions out of her love for you and the desire to protect you and is now having problems dealing with it.

    If you find that you are still having problems dealing with it yourself, and want to talk about it to someone, see one of your school counselors. They'll listen.
    1/26/04
  • 3
    I don't know what she thinks. We never ever even talked about abortion before. She's not real religious or a big feminist so it's never come up. I guess I was a little surprised when she suggested it, but I was mostly just relieved that she wasn't yelling at me for having unprotected sex with a guy that I barely know. Maybe she thinks it was a mistake, but at the time she seemed so sure. Or at least it seemed that way. We didn't talk about it. She made the appointment and everything. If she didn't like the idea I wish she had told me. But I think she was more upset about having to take the day off from work to go to the clinic with me. Now, I just feel like it is this big thing between us, this big secret. I just want to talk about it with her because I feel confused about some things.
    1/26/04
  • 4
    What would be the benefit of talking to your mom about it? Either she thinks the abortion was a good idea and she isn't prepared to deal with your regrets OR she thinks it was a bad idea and she's worried you will blame her for it.

    You act like the whole thing was your mom's idea, but you are the one who is ultimately responsible. Sounds to me like you need to start acting like a grown-up. Get counseling if you want, but leave your mom alone.
    1/26/04
  • 5
    You are carrying way too much baggage,girl. May i suggest that you seek some counseling from a reputable psychologist?
    You have some issues to deal with,namely guilt and forgiveness. Life is wayyyyy too short to lug baggage. With the proper tools to work with,you can get past this and go on to enjoy this precious little time we get to be here. After all,in another hundred years,is it really going to matter? We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
    We are all just humans and that includes you. Good Luck and at all cost,BE TRUE TO THINE OWNSELF.
    1/26/04
  • 6
    I recently became pregnant for the first time. I'm 21, trying to finish school and neither my bf or myself is financially stable enough to consider having a child. I talked with my mom about everything, and I was very surprised to learn that my mom had gotten pregnant 2 other times after she had me and had had 2 abortions, one of them after a sexual assault, which I also knew nothing about. I'd never known that, nor had I ever suspected it. My mom has been very supportive of me, and told me that whatever my decision was, she loved me and was behind me 100% (I decided to keep the baby since I live at home and have alot of support from both family and bf). It could be that maybe something similar happened in your mother's past and that maybe she's regrets her decisions and doesn't want to talk about what happened because it will dredge up her bad feelings and regrets. It may not be the case, but you just never know. Find support groups and counseling groups so that you can talk about your feelings and anything else you need to get out about your abortion. Research the group before you go to it, as I have had friends who have had abortions and gone to religious backed groups and made to feel guilty about the decision. But good luck, and try not to let your mom's feelings bother you. Again, you just never know what's in your parents past.
    2/11/04
  • 7
    To the poster above (not the original poster): I'm happy to hear that you decided to keep your baby. You won't regret it. I live every day with the knowledge that I killed my baby. He/She would be 18 right now and ready to go out into the world. Meanwhile, I haven't done anything these past 19 years that I couldn't have done with a baby. The boyfriend (married now with 3 kids) who promised me that after the abortion, he'd take me to Paris left me two weeks after I had the abortion.

    To the original poster: Sounds like you're wasting your time trying to open a dialogue about this with your mom. Try one of the local groups for women who've had an abortion. I think they're called Project Rachel. The ladies in mine have saved my sanity.
    2/12/04
  • 8
    Well at least you are tyring to deal with your feelings. It is common knowledge in my husband's family that the reason my sister-in-law keeps having babies every 11 mos is because she can't deal with the abortion she had at 17. Of course, she denies it. But how many college-educated, middle-class white women do you know have 6 kids all less than a year apart?
    2/24/04
  • 9
    I agree with the last reply. You will be healthier in the long run if you seek therapy. I am now in therapy for an abortion that I had 10 years ago. I never felt a moments regret or guilt about the abortion until I got pregnant with my son two years ago. It was a planned pregnancy and everything should have been great. It was until the third month when my doctor decided to do a sonogram.

    Watching the sonogram, I saw what that first baby would have looked like if I hadn't killed it. I broke down in the doctor's office, sobbing hysterically. I could not bear to tell my husband why I was upset. I plunged into a deep depression for the rest of my pregnancy. As the months went by and I watched my belly swell, all I could think about was what I had done in college. I was unable to make any decisions about the baby's room or even what his or her name would be. My hormone levels were tested to see if there was a chemical reason for my behavior. No organic reason was found. No one knew to look for a reason related to an abortion. Because no one knew about the abortion.

    At the time I had the abortion, I was so worried about the possibility of having to leave my Ivy League college that I never even told my boyfriend. My parents never knew. Only my roommate who drove me to and from the clinic. Afterwards, I felt only relief. That feeling seemed justified everytime I had another achievement like getting a great job abroad or when I had a setback like my college boyfriend leaving me. If things went well, I told myself I never could have done such and such if I had had the baby. If things went poorly, I thought how much harder it would be if I were a parent and how unfair for the child. I pitied the single mothers I knew who struggled and when I met successful single moms, I comforted myself by saying they were "superwomen". I didn't think of this as justification because I didn't consciously feel guilty. Now I know that's what it was.

    I had to be heavily sedated during my delivery. After my son was born, I had such bad post-partum depression that I was actually hospitalized for 6 months. I missed the first 6 months of my son's life because I was in a more or less catatonic state. Only when my doctor suggested to my husband that I never wanted my son, did I "snap out of it".

    Today, I really struggle to accept that I can't undo the past. I'm getting to know my son better. Someday, he'll ask why there are no pictures of us together during the first half year of his life. I'll tell him the truth and when he is older I will encourage him to tell his girlfriends that we are happy to raise any children that they might otherwise abort.
    2/27/04




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