Okay, this is the first time I've told anyone this. I was married for 15 years and miserable. I met a man at work and started having an affair. I instigated it, his wife found out and ended his marriage and then I dumped him. Bad enough?

I started seeing another guy and realized I was being a total bitch and ended my marriage (what I should have done in the first place). This new guy, who I am still with, is a total sweet heart to me, but I cheated on him anyway with some idiot I met at a party. I have no idea why I did that, but I did. In the meantime, life bites us all on the ass and my sweetie cheated on me. I was devastated, but I have since forgiven him and he is pushing marriage now.

Where do I stand? My boyfriend is wonderful but I still load the guilt trip on him for cheating on me a year ago. He has no idea that I have cheated on him. I love him and don't know what I would do without him, but I still find myself 'looking' for another guy. I don't have any idea what I want anymore.

I am 36 and need to grow up. A friend of mine told me she thinks I have a complete fear of commitment. Any suggestions?

Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Apr 1, 2002 at 7:16 PM

Be honest with yourself.

So long as you have no idea what you want anymore, you should not be exclusively involved with anyone. It's not fair to the other person.

Personally, I don't think your problem is commitment, it's fear of abandonment, fear of aloneness, coupled with a need for adrenaline rush which is why you "keep looking."

In this current relationship, you know that if he knew about your infidelity, he would dump you. Yet you manipulate him into staying by making him feel guilty about his cheating on you. That way, you can have your cake and eat it too. You can keep him around because you do love him and he's probably convenient for a number of reasons, but you know you'll dump him the first chance you get.

You dump first because you believe you will be dumped eventually. You'd rather be the dumper, not the dumpee. There's no dignity in being a dumpee.

Cut him loose. Be free to look for as long as you want. Get totally high on the rush of new sex, new relationship, new first kiss and then when it starts to get old, seek new stud.

And hopefully somewhere along the way, you will figure out why you feel you are not worth staying around for. At the heart of it all, it's always a self-worth issue.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Apr 3, 2002 at 8:10 PM

Sounds to me like you have to confess, and let the chips fall where ever. If he really loves you, and is forgiving, then you might get a second chance with him. If not, then take the experience into your next relationship, and try harder to avoid the same mistakes.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Apr 24, 2002 at 11:21 AM

It sounds like you need a loving partner and sexual excitement too. An exclusive relationship will not do it for you. Since you and your sweetie feel that you love each other, and yet you both have cheated, I think you should be honest with him and suggest an open marriage where you have each other to love and care for, but can openly seek and share the excitement of new sexual conquests.

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